Being Sarah

When you suffer from chronic pain, most days you experience sadness or misery.  Yesterday I had an “I’m absolutely miserable and want to spend the day in bed crying” kind of day.  It didn’t help that I had a doctor’s appointment, and at the appointment was informed that, since I made the conscious choice to stop taking narcotics to manage my pain, physical therapy (PT) is the only option for me at this time.  My doctor stood by her statement even though she knows that I have wasted months of my life on PT and it never helped me.  Most times PT actually increased my pain to an unmanageable level… she knows that, too.

By the time I left the doctors office, I was in quite a mood.  I had transitioned from misery to utter despair.  I was moments away from buying a bottle of wine, possibly refilling my Vicodin, and going home to spend the evening wallowing in bed.  However, I decided to take a healthier approach to managing my sorrow and pain.  I took a much deserved “me day” instead of self-destructively wallowing and mixing substances.

Let’s be honest, everyone needs a “me day” now and again.  Well, when you suffer from chronic pain there are two responses to this.  Either you hurt too much to take a “me day” and end up wasting your special day in bed wallowing or you force yourself to go no matter what the result of the outing ends up being (i.e. happiness or increased pain from deciding to venture away from your bed).  

Yesterday, I forced myself to go and it was exactly what I needed… yet nothing “the doctor ordered.”  After my depressing doctors appointment, I got my hair cut, had my nails done, bought and devoured a cupcake, and went to a delicious vegan thai dinner.  By the time I got home I hurt like hell and quickly became a pain-ridden hermit again, but dammit I was in good spirits.  It was totally worth it.