Being Sarah

My friends and family always tell me “we miss the old you.” In the beginning, I would tell them that the “old” me would be back. After months of pain my response became “me, too.” I did miss the “old” me and wanted that version of myself back more than anything. However, over the last 10 months of living with chronic and severe pain, I realize that the “old” me is never coming back and the “new” me is here to stay.

One of the main issues that people who do not suffer from chronic pain have a problem grappling with is that it changes you. The old you that they knew and loved adapted to the pain, struggling, frustration, depression, and related negative experiences. This adaptation is not temporary. It is permanent. The old you is not temporarily hiding. Rather, the one and only you developed into a stronger version because of everything you go through on a daily basis. I know now that the old happy carefree version of me will never truly return. I have had to grow, develop, and become stronger just to deal with day-to-day life. The “old” me is still a part of me, but now it is not a dominant part. My life has changed since the accident, and I have grown into a stronger, less-carefree person to survive the change.

Pain changes you. Plain and simple. You have to adapt to the new circumstances in your life. You cannot be the same because the “old” you never would have been able to survive. The “old” you would have crumbled into tiny pieces. The “new” you, while fractured and doing the best it can to deal with the situation, is the version of you that is strong enough to handle this. I just wish everyone who misses the “old” me would realize that the new me is here to stay, and that without the new me I would have never survived this.

Sadly, trying to explain why you’ve become a different person is not an easy task. People who haven’t gone through something similar will never really understand what it is like. They say “I had an awful a migraine once and that didn’t change me” or “When I was 15, fell off of my bike and broke my arm, but I didn’t let that jade me.” Well, guess what, chronic pain is a whole different beast. Broken arms heal. One experience of a migraine is manageable. A sleepless, stressed out, depressed, painful existence that prevents you from living the life you want doesn’t heal in a day, week, month, year, or maybe even a life time. If the accident had only broken my arm, I would not be experiencing severe, chronic pain, depression, sleeplessness, heartache, mental anguish, and other unpleasant side-effects that rear their ugly heads periodically on a daily basis. That is what changes you.

Living with a new invisible life partner known as chronic pain forces you to adapt. This in turn changes your personality. For that reason, even though I am different than I use to be, I hope people stop missing the “old” me and begin to appreciate that because of the “new” me I am surviving this.