Being Sarah

Throughout my time dealing with pain specialists and doctors who are treating my bulging discs, spinal/neck injuries, chronic back pain and related depression always ask me the same question: how much does it hurt on a scale of 1-10? One being no pain and ten being the worst pain possible.  How depressed do you feel on a scale of 1-10?  One being euphorically happy and 10 being suicidal.

Every time they ask me this question I do my best to quantify my pain and emotions.  I never say 10.  My pain and depression haven’t killed me, so clearly I am not a 10 if that is the worst it could possibly be.  Maybe a 7?  I am not suicidal or confined to my bed today.  However, I am in severe pain every day, so maybe I should go with 7.5.  That said, yesterday I decided to go to the grocery store and carried my own shopping bags up the flight of stairs to my apartment.  Easy, right? Not so much.  Since that “incident” my back is stiff and the pain is now classified as “stabbing,” so today might be an 8.5.  Last week I slipped and fell in the shower because my legs went numb from the nerve damage.  The days that followed that incident were probably a 9 to a 9.5.  Never a 10 though, because I am still alive and fighting. The lowest my pain has been is maybe a 4.5 or a 5.  That was the day that I stayed in bed from dawn until dusk, never left my heating pad, and took enough pain killers that I couldn’t remember the day of the week or how to spell simple words while playing Scrabble on my iPad.

As for my depression, let’s see… I have a mental war with myself every day to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning.  Some days I lose the war.  Showering, getting dressed, and actually going to work is a whole different battle.  I lose that one more often.  Have I ever attempted suicide?  No.  Can I smile without it being forced?  Generally, no.  How often do I cry?  Numerous times a day.  Usually only once or twice on a good day.  Does the thought of picking up my phone and having an actual conversation with someone make me happy?  Absolutely not.  That takes too much effort.  So, what does that make me, a 7.5?  When they upped the dosage of my anti-depressant at my last doctors appointment I began to feel numb most days.  Does that increase or decrease my standing on the depression scale?  Is numb to the world and my emotions better than being depressed but not as good as actually happy?  Maybe I am a 7 or a 6.5 now, because forlorn, numb and crying is better than absolutely devastated and sobbing, right?

Can I quantify pain and depression?  Is it possible to classify what I feel physically and emotionally on a daily basis as a number on a scale?  I don’t think it is.  What I feel isn’t tangible.  It changes from moment to moment.  I can’t begin to even try to slap a number on it because I think doctors should listen to how I feel rather than having me check the box survey to determine the severity of my pain and depression.

How do I quantify something that is so personal to me?  Furthermore, why is my pain and depression just a number on a scale to the people who are supposed to be helping me heal?