Being Sarah

Things occur every day that have the potential to change our lives. Some things we simply disregard because their impact is minimal. Other things we adapt to in order to survive or even to progress to a new stage in our lives. The things with the most impact are usually the ones who anticipate the least, but they have the potential to change life as we know it.

Some of these life-changing incidents are positive, and they lead us to healthy development, happiness, and sometimes even a life we have been longing for. However, these incidents can also be negative and impact out lives in such a detrimental way that we no longer know how to deal with it. Both positive and negative events change not only our lives but also ourselves. The question is, how can we ensure that this change is for the better, even if the incident is/was not?

Since I was hit by a drunk driving last April, my life has taken a turn for the worst. My normally happy disposition became some kind of fraud that I put on in front of those around me, then I go home, curl up in a ball on the couch, and wallow in my own self pity. I tried to avoid allowing this incident to change me for the worst, but nearly ten months later I still fear that it has.

I spend my days focusing on gaining back my optimism, but I find myself failing most days and longing for when I can curl up in bed once more and replace the day with dreams… and sleeping pills.

I wake up every day with the resolve to be happy and maintain a good attitude for the rest of the day. After all, I am often referred to as a “ray of sunshine” in the lives of others. However, by midday my desires to be happy are usually diminished if not completely crushed.

It is unbelievably tiring to go through the day putting on an act that everything is okay. By the time I get home at night, I can no longer pretend that life has been good to me that day. I find myself laying in bed most nights after I get home, ignoring those around me, and waiting for it to get late enough that I can go to sleep. 10 months ago, I never would have let life be like this.

I miss my optimistic self more than anything, and the people around me who I let see the “new,” sad version of me express to me endlessly that they miss the joyous me as well. This adds to the amount of stress I already have related to dealing with my depression.

Every day I have to pretend to be okay for the benefit of others, or support those who care about me most through their sorrow and concern over what is happening to me. I don’t have a person in my life who allows me not to put on a show. I have to be strong for my mom even when I am weak and broken, because she cannot handle the reality of what is going on. I tell her bits and pieces now and then, like what my doctor says about my back pain or what the lawyer says about the court case against the women who hit me, but most days this is even too much for her to handle and she becomes an emotional wreck. This is the same with my boyfriend, too. Either I have to put my pain aside to comfort him when he is upset about how I feel, or I get to watch him shut down every time I tell him how I feel.

Between detoxing off of the Vicodin, a choice a grapple with every day since my doctor still thinks I should be taking it, emotionally supporting the people around me so they don’t have to feel the pain that I am going through, putting on a “happy” act not to worry those in my life, feeling constant pain in my back and in my neck, dealing with sleeplessness that my sleeping pills only take the edge off of, going through the motions of life, and feeling sad, broken, and on the edge most days… I AM A WRECK.

Just to get off of Vicodin, I am on a slue of other medications just to manage how every day life feels, and, to be honest, they don’t manage much of anything. I am lucky if they take the edge off most days.

Long story short, this is one of those events that changed me. It impacted my life and changed me beyond recognition, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.

I know I have grown from this experience. I know I have changed. I know that I have become stronger… much stronger… and my pain tolerance, both emotionally and physically, has become far greater than it used to be. The question is, will this event ever have a truly positive impact on my life? So far, all it has done is caused me to become depressed and held me back from moving on to the new life that I greatly desire.

I hope someday all of this has a purpose and that its results, all be them tough to conquer, end up being positive. I want to look back on this period of my life and remember the good it did for me rather than simply seething with hatred for everything that has happened to me over the last year.

I am working on getting better. Hopefully I am successful. Until then, I have to continue to force myself to get out of bed and work every day instead of staying in bed all day to wallow. I have to put on a strong front to get by until it isn’t a front anymore. I have to know that I have 10 emergency Vicodin sitting in my bedside table, and I have to resist taking them to feed my addiction and sooth my physical pain.

I can do this, right?